Blog - Connected Psychology Brenda Taylor

Tantrums- Four things you can do to handle children’s meltdowns

May 20, 2019 By Brenda Taylor

Dealing with children’s tantrums is one of the hardest aspects to deal with as a parent. From low level whinging to full on melt downs, it can all feel just so hard sometimes. The way you handle a tantrum though can make a big difference, even though it may not seem like it at the time. One of the common reasons that we don’t handle them, or think we handle them well , is because of the range of emotions that you feel inside as a parent. These can be a mixture of anger, frustration, disappointment, annoyance to feeling abused. Here is a quick guide to handling tantrums.

1. Reduce technology time
I’m starting with the toughest one first. Many families really struggle with the balance of screen time. How much is too much? A meta study has shown that 90 percent of school aged children’s sleep is affected by screen time (Hale & Guan, 2015). We all know that a child with a lack of sleep is always going to find it hard to cope when something doesn’t go their way, but there are also a myriad of other effects from excessive screen time including reducing social coping skills, brain structure changed that affect emotional regulation, and depends on screen akin to addiction, as well a decrease in physical health. In a review by researchers, too much screen time was also linked to inaccurate diagnosis of ADHD (Lissak, 2018). In a large national study in the US of 40,337 children aged 2- to 17-year-old children in 2016, it was found that after half a day of use, there was a report in lower psychological well-being, including less curiosity, less self-control, higher distractibility less emotional stability, and parents reported they were more difficult to care for (Twenge & Campbell, 2018).

So what is the right amount? The same research found that spending more than one hour a day on screen, including TV, tablets, and phones, that increasing time was linked to lower psychological wellbeing. (Twenge and Campbell, 2018) . The type of behaviours after an hour a day were not staying calm, not finishing things and arguing with care givers. The good news is there was no difference between non users and those children who used devices for under an hour. So, it’s not that you have to ban screen time, you just need to set effective limits.

2. Look for the causes of the tantrums

Tantrums happens for various reasons and sometimes it’s about working out the underlying causes of the tantrums that helps you then avoid them. This again relates to the first point, as reducing screen time is a big factor for many families. Another common factor however is when children are told ‘no’. One of the biggest tantrum triggers that parents report to me are when their child wants to do something or have something, and they are told ‘no’. As a parent it can feel very hard to stick to your guns. You need to decide is this something working battling over? My advice is to always pick a few things that really make a difference, or you have a good reason to stick to, and to other things, say ‘yes’. For example, if you are reducing screen time in your house then make sure you don’t give in when they are whinging for more time. At the same time children need to feel a sense of control over their world so for other choices, you should let them have a choice, so that you are not fighting over trivial or unimportant things like what to wear or forcing them to always eat a particalry food they don’t’ like especially if they eat well generally. Some parents feel that they need to be on top of every decision, or tantrums however sometimes by relaxing about certain things, it gives you more energy to deal with the really important things that you want to put a stop to, such as swearing, excessive screen time or any other poor behaviour or habit.

3. Establish a routine.

One of the key reasons that some children are constantly unhappy, is lack of routine. Children really thrive on knowing what to expect as it helps them feel secure. Sometimes tantrums or difficult behaviour increases when there isn’t enough consistently. This can be difficult for parents who live in different households, however the more you can give a child consistency, the better off they will be.

4. Be a role model
Children are always looking to their parents on how to behave. The more you are able to handle your own anger and frustration, they better they will be able to as well. Of course, when you are facing an irrational unreasonable child, who won’t just get in the car when it’s time to go or seem to have a meltdown for no reason, this can be hard. It can also be hard when you been dealing with on a daily basis and you feel worn down. One of the key things to do is to make sure you are not in reactionary mode; you need to take a deep breath and mentally step back so you are not caught up in the child’s emotional storm. Try to switch your mind to that or curiosity and compassion for your little one and ask yourself “What is it like for them in this moment?”, “They must be really struggling in this moment”. While that can be hard it’s important that you don’t take their behaviour personally, they are a little person struggling to cope with a big feeling and they need your help to do that. If you react in anger, you are not available to help, and they are struggling on their own. While it can be hard to maintain an open heart, it is exactly what they need from you in that moment. While it’s easy to be loving and compassionate when they are smiling, happy and laughing, they also need you in that moment when they are angry, sad, and furious. Trying to conceptualise it in that way, can help you engage the less emotional part of your mind, stay present and support your child.

Finally….
No matter what is happening always try to remember, these time will pass, and try to focus on the good times.

If you want to read any of the research papers, take a look at these references
https://doi.org/10.1016/j.smrv.2014.07.007
https://doi.org/10.1016/j.envres.2018.01.015
https://doi.org/10.1016/j.pmedr.2018.10.003

Further advice

https://raisingchildren.net.au/search?query=tantrums%20why%20they%20happen%20how%20to%20respond

https://kidshealth.org/en/parents/tantrums.html

No time for self care but I’m burnt out

October 4, 2019 By Brenda Taylor

I get it, who has time for that? I’ve got to go to work, look after other people, clean my house, get to that appointment, get the car serviced, finish that report……how am I supposed to fit in self-care? It won’t make a difference anyway. I’m ok, I’ll get to that later. I know those are all the things we tell ourselves. You know what though? It’s not really a luxury, or something you can do when every everything else is done. People who’ve learnt the hard way know what I’m talking about. Let’s explore self-care, what it is and how you can get some in your life.

I can see your internal eye roll, another professional telling you to fit in some magical self-care, I know that was always my attitude too. I’m as busy as anyone else, running a business, having another job, kids, running a house, trying to see friends, and then having energy for a relationship. It has all come to a head several times in my life and it’s usually my body telling me to slow down, and I’ve ignored it until it was too much.

Burnout

There’d are many stats on burnout, and how it affects our productivity, our careers, our ability to do everyday tasks. According to an ABS study, 45% of Australians between the ages of 16-85 will experience a mental health condition in their lifetime, while that is not specifically burnout it is related.

Apart from stats though its the feeling is when you want to do everything, but you don’t have the energy. Everything starts to look a bit grey. And then the guilty self-talk comes in, about what you’re not doing, and it’s the feeling of being overwhelmed. It’s a stuck place to be, because you want to do things, or feel like you should but at the same time you don’t have the brain power and your body is too tired.

What do you notice from being overwhelmed?

It’s usually self-talk about how you’ve got too much to do, that nothing is good enough. It might be racing thoughts, or the feeling that you should always be doing something else. It might just be feelings like you have no energy, heart palpitations, or feeling it takes longer to recover after you exert your energy. According to the International Classification of Diseases (ICD) published by the World Health Organization (WHO), it was classified as a medical diagnosis. Here are all the signs:

Disillusionment/loss of meaning
Mental and physical fatigue and exhaustion
Moodiness, impatience and short tempered
Loss of motivation and reduced interest in commitments
Inability to meet obligations
Lowered immunity to illness
Emotional detachment from previous involvements
Feeling efforts are unappreciated
Withdrawal from coworkers and social situations
Hopeless, helpless and depressed outlook
Job absenteeism and inefficiency
Sleep deprivation
Foggy thinking and trouble concentrating

Here’s what you can do about it

It often happens to people who care a lot about what they do, and being very good at what the do, makes you care a lot. I am not suggesting that you care a bit less, but sometimes you do need to think of ‘leaning out’, to use the opposite of a popular phrase. Lean out to make some room in your life and to recognise that its ok not to be on top of everything all the time.

Start looking at what you can change. Do you need to change your schedule? When you think about what’s realistic, start looking at the number of hours you have in a week. Apart from the must do stuff, like go to work and look after children, where is the wiggle room?
Try to fit in a bit of mindful time, where you slow down and do one thing at a time, whether that is meditating, listening to music, reading, exercising, writing, being creative, baking, whatever takes you out of your reactive brain for a while.
If you look hard enough try to find even half an hour of time to do an activity you enjoy, you don’t have to go on a holiday or a week long retreat. It’s about the small daily actions that build up. Don’t think you can just wait till some magical time in the future when you’re not busy.
Time management. In a recent study it was found that people who sit on the couch at night or use social media lot report having less time. Sometimes it’s our perception of time that’s the issue. You need to look at using even small blocks of time to fit in some things that help you feel calm and are enjoyable.

Things to think about:

Look at your schedule
Question if all the things you are doing meet your goals in life
Cut out the stuff that doesn’t
Learn to say to things that don’t add to your life
Outsource things if you can
Learn to ask for help
Make conscious choices
Take care of your body first.
Seek professional help from a psychologist

8 Signs of anxiety in children

January 23, 2019 By Brenda Taylor

Every child shows signs of worry. Worry and anxiety are very normal emotions and necessary for us to be well rounded human beings, but sometimes it’s clear to see that some children and teens worry too much, from not wanting to be far from their parents, not wanting to go to school, constantly having tummy aches, and often telling you they can’t do things. It can be very hard for parents to know the difference. Surveys of children and adolescents in community populations, using self-report questionnaires, indicate that anxiety disorders are the most common childhood emotional disorders. In most cases, anxiety in children and fears in childhood are fairly transient and short-lived. Different anxieties develop at different stages, for example babies and toddlers might fear loud noises, heights, strangers and separation. Pre-schoolers might start to show fear of being on their own and of the dark. School-age children might be afraid of ghosts, their parents going out, social situations, failure, criticism or tests. How do you know the difference normal worry and anxiety? Some signs might include:

telling you about a lot of worries
trouble falling or staying asleep
looking tired, grumpy, irritable, tearful or upset most of the time
looking restless,
keyed-up or on edge losing interest in things they used to enjoy
becoming withdrawn and losing friends
refusing to eat or eating a lot
complaining of tense or sore muscles and/or headaches complaining of unexplained aches

If you recognise these signs it might be time to seek help. The approach you take depends of how intense the emotions are for the child, how much it interferes with their daily life and how much it impacts you as a family. The solution, especially for younger and primary school aged children lies in a whole family approach. There are many things you can do at home and some counselling might be part of the solution, to point you in the right direction. The approach can vary from helping your child understand what they are feeling through conversation, play or stories to cognitive behavioural therapy.

Childhood anxiety, while very stressful for everyone in the family is very treatable and early intervention helps set up you and your child with the skills to ensure they grow into adults who know how to handle that feeling.

Parents- those days where you can’t face the day with an ASD child

December 3, 2017 By Brenda Taylor

Lying in bed waiting for it all to start, the noise, the demands; ‘make me breakfast’, the ‘no you can’t wear that suit to the park’, or ‘yes we do have to go out today’, ‘yes you do have to eat’, ‘yes you do need to clean your teeth, ‘no you can’t have computer time’. I have to remind myself that it’s part of his condition, the impulsivity, the rigidity of thought, needing things to be a certain way, the demands, arguments and frustration. For those of you unfamiliar, autism or ASD can create a number of patterns that a person with autism may not be able to control or even manage sometimes.Continue Reading

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